he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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