Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
