The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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