I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
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