If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
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