i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
