I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
my poor anus
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
