wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
Randomize
