Michael Bay diarrhea
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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