cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
