I faked an abortion last night.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
