that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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