Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize