I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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