just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
