Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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