His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
