she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
