I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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