well he's currently spooning the coffee table
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Randomize
