I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
