you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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