Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
