So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
