He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Look at the picture I MADE him take with me...like why??? He's holding my foot?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Randomize
