One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I'm just crazy horny about you
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
