Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
