You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Randomize
