my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
