Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Come see our sink grown plant.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
