Bc you can definitely buy condoms if ur a 14 year old girl
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
