He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
