If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
