Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Randomize