We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
NoShamevember. You game?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
