I should be sponsored by Trojan
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
