i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
