I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
