oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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