Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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