So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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