I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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