We're like a lot better than the average bears
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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