Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize