woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
