Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
