I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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