im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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