The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
