nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
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