Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
