Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
she said shes getting her period tomorrow so she wants to have sex now. i didnt object. it would have been heartless.
ofcourse you didnt.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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