Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
