Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Randomize
