so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
