i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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