When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize