Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
